Yes, son, that was a bad word.

A story of my fear + God's faithfulness.

The week before Christmas, I broke all the speed limits driving my son from the doctor's office to the ER, praying every second for God to let him keep breathing until I got there.

We'd been to the doctor three times already that week, the first two times sent home with the standard "it's just a virus" line. And it was. But the third time, when the doctor could hear each struggling breath my kid was taking from outside the door of our room, we were sent straight to the ER.

I'd brought him back in because the panic in my gut wouldn't subside. This isn't just a virus for him. Something is wrong.

And it was.

//

Tomorrow marks 5 weeks that my daughter has been sick. Coughing like everyone else in January, yes, but congested in a way she's never been before. Especially for this length of time. And, oh yeah, she's losing her hearing, too. We've been to the doctor at least once a week for her, too (we joke about living at the doctor's office now!), until we finally got a referral to the Ear, Nose, and Throat Specialist last week.

I think it was when I said "she hasn't been able to hear us for almost a month now" that they were finally like, okay, you're right mom - something is wrong.

It's supposed to take 3-6 months to finally get in at the ENT, but when mom turns the corner from slightly worried to seriously concerned, stuff gets done. I left this message no less than six times in one day...

Hi, we need an urgent appointment - my daughter has been sick for a month with no improvement whatsoever, and she is losing her hearing more and more every day. By the way she's an incredible musician, so losing her hearing is a big concern for us. Please call me back as soon as possible. I will try again in a couple of hours.

...and we got an appointment a week later.

//

My mom was healthy until she wasn't, and even once I knew she was sick, I figured she would get better. She didn't. Honestly, she died before I even had the chance to process that she had cancer.

I was absolutely blindsided.

Turns out, that makes me a panicky mom when my kids are sick. Will they be okay? Is this normal? Am I going to be blindsided again?

Croup in an 11-year-old makes me swear at cars going too slow on the road I'm racing down to get him to the ER where someone, anyone, can help him - because I cannot. His airway is closing, GET OUT OF MY WAY. Jesus, keep him breathing, God, do not let me lose him too, I will not survive it.

Hearing loss in my 14-year-old makes me into the pushy, incessant mom who will not hear no for an answer. This is not just a cold, my daughter cannot HEAR. Do you not understand that music is everything to her? That the piano is the only place where she feels like she fits? She needs her hearing - GIVE ME AN APPOINTMENT.

//

It's sick kids for me. That thing that makes me so out-of-my-body panicked that I have to remind myself to do basic things like breathe. Logically, I know that they are probably going to be just fine and I need to calm down. But experience trumps logic sometimes, reminding me that things do not always turn out just fine, and my body refuses to let me relax.

Maybe it's something different for you. But I'd guess there is something. A lower than expected total in your bank account. An unknown number on your spouse's phone. The call that comes in the middle of the night. Something that takes you from slightly worried to seriously concerned, in a split second.

//

I sat down this morning to write out my prayers for the first time all year long. And as I did, this all came out. The panic that's been the undercurrent of my days since the week before Christmas. The utter lack of control I have over the most important people in the world to me. My fear.

Always my fear.

And the Lord, in His kindness, brought me back to Philippians 4:6-7 as He often does. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Do not be anxious.​
He is the one in control, not me. Despite my own ideas, it's better that way, and I can rest in Him.

With thanksgiving.​
Even when fear abounds, there is something to be thankful for. Find it.

Present your requests to God.​
I don't have to manage the panic on my own. I have the opportunity to give it to Him.

The peace of God...will guard your heart and mind.​
I pray through my requests, He gives me a gift I cannot give myself - peace. It won't always make sense, but His peace is always available to us.

I write the verses down, I pray through them again and again, remembering that it is HE who holds it all together - He who holds me together. And even in the midst of all the unknowns, all the out-of-my-controls, He faithfully trades my panic for His peace.

And my body finally relaxes.

//

My son recovered quickly after a short stint in the hospital, and more steroids in 24 hours than he's ever had in his 11 years of life. My daughter suffered through the most painful appointment of her life, but her hearing has been restored in full - AND we even discovered that she's had some hearing impairment her entire life, as she can now hear even more than she did before. "Mom, I didn't know there were backup singers in this song! Mom, does everyone always sing in church, I thought it was just me! Mom, have you heard the harmonies in this song before? They are beautiful!" 😭

In every situation, God is faithful - whether I'm panicked, or not. Sometimes that means things turn out the way I'd hoped. Sometimes they don't. Every time, He is with me, His peace ready and able to guard my traumatized heart and mind.

The same holds true for you, too. 💛