I just thought things would be different by now...

A few honest confessions about life + the world + the things the Bible tells us.

My friends came to visit a couple weeks ago, and we got to talking about how different life is at 40 than we thought it would be.

“I just thought we’d at least have some financial stability by this point,” one of us said.

“I’m so looking forward to meeting this new little life, but I certainly didn’t expect to be pregnant again at this age,” said another.

“I thought life would just be a little easier by now. Like I’d really be a grown-up and actually have a handle on things.” And we all agreed.

But life is…not easy. (I’m not sure why I expected it would be at some point, when Jesus clearly states that we will have trouble in this world, but I did. I blame Disney movies.)

There are bills to be paid, and no idea where the money is coming from.

There are situations that surprise us, forcing us to start over again.

There is war and tragedy and division all around the world, even in our own backyards, and we aren’t quite sure how to make it better.

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I cannot stop reading about the flooding in Texas. Can’t stop watching videos. Can’t put away the articles, the interviews, the reports. I try for a while, and then I open up my phone again.

I cannot stop imagining those little girls, the counselors, woken in the middle of the night in terror. The parents who sent their babies to camp and won’t ever see them again. The people still searching for bodies, still grasping for the slightest sliver of hope. Or looking for closure.

I cannot stop thinking about the article I read where the mom was holding onto her twenty-month-old son as she was swept into the river, and the river took hold of him instead.

I cannot stop checking to see if they’ve found anyone else alive, even now, a week later.

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I cannot stop logging in to our bank account, watching the due date of the bill arrive closer and closer, still unsure how we are going to make it work.

I cannot stop running the numbers again and again, seeing if there’s a way to move things around to put us in a better place.

I cannot stop reminding the Lord that we’re cutting it a bit close here.

//

I cannot stop checking my social media feed for political news, somehow feeling like I’m responsible for knowing all the things. (Am I?)

I cannot stop tidying my home, feeling like everything is so out of control but if I can just clear off this counter, maybe some peace will be found. (Will it?)

//

This week, in the midst of the heaviness of all of the above, in 110° weather, I have started going outside to do my Bible study each morning. It’s not cool by any means, but it is quiet, and the quiet is exactly what my brain and soul desperately need.

Penny comes with me, and we sit together, me reading, her watching the hummingbirds, while the sun rises and I let the Word slowly peel off the heavy blanket of anxiety I wake up wearing.

It just so happens (does it?) that I am working through a Bible study that shows how Jesus fulfills all of the promises in the Old Testament. It just so happens (does it?) that this study is also about God’s provision in every situation. His faithfulness. His love for us.

I am reminded that the weight of the world is not mine to carry. It is His. And He promises to work all things out for our good.

And He doesn’t break His promises.

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This morning, Psalm 16 proclaimed, “I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.”

And I ask myself what I’ve been setting before me. Because let’s just be real honest here - it’s certainly not the Lord.

It’s the news. The finances. The clutter.

It’s the world, not the Holder of it.

I also read Elisabeth Elliot’s words this morning in regards to disciplining our mind.

“Christ calls us to do…what we cannot, and to be…what we are not. He is asking us to walk on water. Peter succeeded in doing that, but only for a few steps, only for those seconds when his gaze was locked on Christ’s, his mind set, as it were, on ‘things above.’ But when he looked around, he sank.”

When he looked around, he sank.

Well. That explains quite a lot.

I go back to Psalm 16 and keep reading.

“I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. THEREFORE, my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.”

Gladness. Joy. Security. These are the things we are promised when we set our minds on the Lord.

I’ve lived long enough to know that this doesn’t mean everything turns out the way I want it to.

But I’ve also lived long enough to know that God’s faithfulness remains true through any circumstance I face, and that’s enough for me to rejoice and rest.

I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Perhaps in my 40’s, having a mind set on Christ is more important than “having a handle on things.” Maybe security looks different than a cushy bank account. Maybe peace is found in knowing the God who controls all things, instead of insisting on controlling them myself.

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When my friends were over, we also reminded each other of God’s goodness over the years.

“Remember when our fun was walking around Target together, chatting through the aisles (never buying anything) as we pushed our baby girls in strollers, because our husbands had the cars and we were totally broke and it was 100° outside? That was such a fun season.”

“Remember when both of us swore we’d never live anywhere else, and God said ‘we’ll see about that’ and now we’re so happy in our homes and communities, in completely different states?”

“Remember when you/your baby/my baby was in the hospital and God saved us all, against all odds?”

“Remember when?”

//

The truth is that the finances aren’t working at the moment. The truth is that tragic heartbreak is a cornerstone of our existence here on earth. The truth is that politics are wild and frustrating and maybe they always will be. The truth is that tidying my home won’t fix any of it.

The truth is that this world is wasting away, as we were told it would, because it is marred by sin and death and the devil.

And yet.

The truth is also that God has shown Himself faithful over and over and over again in my life - even (especially?) when I could not see Him. The truth is that Christ has overcome all the pain of this world through his death and resurrection on the cross. The truth is that we have a hope in Him that cannot be touched by our circumstances. The truth is that this world is not our home.

The truth is that even (especially?) when everything looks dark, we serve a God who works all things together for our good.

Today, I will set my mind on Him.

Won’t you join me?

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References:

• Christ in All of Scripture Study, from The Daily Grace Co.

• Discipline: The Glad Surrender, by Elisabeth Elliot

• Psalm 16

• Matthew 14 (Peter walks on water)

• Romans 8:28